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If you’re a newcomer to the fascinating world of skiing (or snowboarding), then you may not entirely know what to expect. You either know a little from listening to friends chatter or from what you’ve seen on TV (or YouTube, et al.). I’ve come up with four possible expectation scenarios that I think are plausible for the neo-skier: If you’re a tenderfoot or a go-getter or something between, you likely fit under one of the following categories (sorry to pigeonhole). Before you leave for your first ski holiday, humor me and read my psychobabble on the physical and mental and emotional approaches to first-time skiers and boarders.

Those Who Expect Perfect Everything
If you’re the type of person who is used to being waited on hand and foot, then you’ve probably paid some decent Euros for your first time ski getaway. Perhaps, even, you’ve invested in some cute skiing clothes and all the coolest gear—it’s always nice to feel good about what you’re doing. However, if you approach the Slope-full Mother Nature with such Hope-full expectancy, then you might be let down…hard. Perhaps the weather won’t be great on days one and two; perhaps the hotel got over-booked and you had to take the studio apartment; or, perchance you’re feet are just too big to fit into your ski boots, it’s best to come to the ascents with a little room for let down. Ninety-percent of the time all goes as planned, but in order to have the most fun as a powder virgin, you should simmer down and predict that the unpredictable can happen. You won’t be a party pooper then when the toilet gets backed up because Andy clogged it with… whatever.

Those Who Expect To Ski Like A Pro
If you’re one of those gifted athletes who can pretty much catch on to anything—“Kite surfing took me like an hour to learn,”… “That dirt biking trail was a piece of cake,” … “That climb up Kilimanjaro didn’t even wind me,” et cetera—then don’t expect to hit the blacks just yet, or you might end up black and blue all over. (My first time skiing I accidentally took a right on a red and felt like a pansy when I came scooting down the slope on my butt [I thought I caught on quick too].) At any rate, don’t hit the slopes cocky. It’s OK to take ski lessons and learn down the bunny hill. No one will laugh, except you, maybe. No one cares, no one is watching and it’s all in the name of fun. So, be smart and you’ll be a pro in a couple of days.

Those Who Expect To Be Scared
If you come to the hill’s edge with your legs in fact chattering, then you may have some initial fear. No matter the grade, it does seem a bit scary for most at first. If you find yourself feeling anxious, it’s OK to practice at the bottom of the hill. Or, better yet, do as I do: I mentally visualize approaching the slope, looking down it, feeling the zigzagging, the wind, the adrenaline, others zooming in front of me, and me feeling confident and excited. If you can practice some visualization, your mind will be calmer once the real flags go down. Imagine right now sucking on a bright yellow lemon—sour, isn’t it? See, your brain doesn’t know the difference between mentally doing something and really doing it. Practice makes perfect, even if you’ve never really been down a slope in all your life.

Those Who Expect Nothing
I think those who have the least expectations make the best first-timers. I mean, when you’ve got no expectations, then you are open to a limitless supply of newness. One good example is the little kids who follow their ski instructor down the hill for the first time—like chicks following Mama Duck—not scared of following but only focusing on doing. Not to get all hokie on you, but come to the slope as a blank slate, ready and willing to try anything for the first time. Expect less and receive more, I suppose, in a corny sort of way. Above all else, it’s next to impossible not to have fun—plus, there’s always sledding and sleigh rides as a back up.

Europe is probably the world’s best retreat if getting down right silly for your ski holiday tops your To-Do list. Not only does Europe house some of the world’s longest ski runs, it also boasts several hundred large and small resorts that cater to everyone from nudist to purist, to wackos and hippies. I’ve compiled a list here to bring you some of the brainless, mindless and thoughtless things you might want to do this ski season. Not all are crazy but some are downright boneheaded and irrationally reckless—if this sounds like you, I invite you to read on you witless warrior.

Skiing Downhill, Fast:

If you want to try your hands at one of Europe’s steepest slopes, then you don’t have to look much farther than Austria, Mayrhofen(Zillertal) to be exact. The Harakiki slope angles at almost 80% or 40º, which creates enough speed to make even the slightest turns dangerous and mind boggling. Though there are some longer slopes for sure, Harakiki makes you feel like gravity has let go and human-powered flight on skis is possible.

Skiing Nude, Frozen:

If you’ve ever thought of disrobing just for the sake of it while on the slope, you’re not the only one. In fact, there’s a cross-country ski route in Austria—Obertaun (Obertauern) to be exact—where nude skiers are welcomed and invited to ski (sticking to the route) while in the buff. There are more resorts where skiing in your birthday suit suits the local authorities, but I’ll have more on that in my upcoming blogs. If you don’t mind snowburns, sunburns and shriveled (very tender) tissues to be showed off, then Obertauern, Austria, should make your dreams of “in the buff,” “bare,” or “buck-naked” come true.

Skiing Gambler, Broke:

If you like to gamble away little Susie’s college fund, then you should stay away from Les 2 Alpes in France this January (10th – 17th). It’s the first of many annual Poker Week celebrations where you can come, put your best Poker Face on, bluff like hell and either win buckets of Euros (drug dealers currency of choice over the flailing dollar these days) or go home bankrupt. Just make sure to pay your bills back home, pre-pay for the hotel room and little Susie’s ski lessons and let the gambling begin. Lay your best hand down for the best Poker Party this winter in Europe.

Skiing Night, Lost:

It’s not likely you’ll get lost if you try night skiing in Europe this year. There are loads of ski resorts that flick on the power to illuminate the slopes for all you night owls. Though the slopes might be frozen or even packed down from day skiers, night skiing has its advantages. Places like the Dolomiti Superski area in Italy, Saint Bernard in Switzerland and Maribor in Slovenia all gloat about their fantastic night skiing and venues. Before hitting the sack, be sure to hit the slopes on your next ski holiday. I find that though the slopes are not as well groomed, they are way less crowded and seemingly more dangerous. An easy intermediate suddenly becomes a treacherous black after the sun sets.